People with Borderline Personality Disorder want to love and be loved

When you have Borderline Personality Disorder, you want to love and be loved more than anything else in the world But sometimes loving another person just isn’t enough to keep a relationship going. It can be very painful to realize this. But many of us become enmeshed in our toxic relationships and it can take years to realize this. What do you do when you finally wake up and realize that the person you have hitched your wagon to is not good for you or your mental health? How do you extract yourself from the relationship?

What is gaslighting and how does it happen?

Gaslighting is when another person attempts to manipulate by calling your mental health or sanity into question. This can happen if they tell you that something you know happened, didn’t, or if they tell you that you are “crazy” for thinking a certain way. When you confront them about a certain  behavior assertively and ask them for change, they deny that they are doing it over and over again and tell you you’re imagining it.

They lie to you about things you know to be true

This kind of behavior is used as a power-play to gain control over another person. It can be hard to recognize this behavior and when you are being manipulated like this. Once you do finally come to this conclusion, what do you do?

You have a range of options for dealing with this behavior

Assertiveness skills work best in situations like this. It can be difficult to learn assertiveness skills but there places online where you can learn these lifesaving skills. As I tell everyone with whom I work, they are relatively easy to learn but difficult to master. The first thing you need to know is that you have the right to ask for what you want and not feel embarrassed about it. But don’t try your new assertiveness with your gaslighter on your first attempt because a person who actively gaslights you, will not be very receptive. And, even more disturbing, is chances are they will not be able to either hear the message. If they do hear it, the chances of them being able to change their behavior are very slim. So, what are your options?

Remember, it’s not your fault and you don’t deserve it

The first thing you have to realize (and internalize) is that no one deserves to be treated this way. You also have to realize that it is not your fault. The way another person treats you says so much more about THEM than it does about you. This is a very important thing to realize. But this will be a hard lesson for someone who is a people pleaser.

People who allow others to treat them this way usually have a lot of issues with their self-esteem. On some level they believe they deserve it. But no one deserves to be treated like this.

So what are your options?

If assertiveness doesn’t work you can always try couples therapy. If that doesn’t work, you may have to leave  the relationship and that can really upset the apple cart.If you decide to choose that option, it will require a whole different level of planning and approaching the issue. It can be difficult to leave a relationship when you really  and truly love the other person. Only you can decide if that “love” is enough to keep you in a relationship that may be damaging your mental health.

The take away here is you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one will. Remember that. xoxo