Learning about my BPD diagnosis was traumatic
Learning about my BPD diagnosis was very traumatic all by itself. I’ve really struggled with this information. It’s been very hard to come to terms with it. But, it has also been kind of a relief because it helps explain things I’ve wondered about my whole life. I could never understand how I could be fine one minute and then just in a huge rage the next. I know it also puzzled most of the people around me. I guess if you asked most of the people who know me they would tell you that I’m a normal girl. I like to go shopping, to the movies, play with my cats. But I just get so angry sometimes. It seems like it just comes out of nowhere. Then when it’s over, I just feel terrible. So ashamed of myself. I know I’ve lost control (again) completely and I feel like utter garbage. My parents never understood. Actually, as I’ve looked back on my life I can see now that most everyone never understood me. Heck, I didn’t even understand myself most of the time. I still don’t but I’m starting to figure it out.
I started therapy when I was just 18
I’ve been in therapy since I was 18. It feels like a lifetime. I’m now 45 years old. At 18, it was the first time I tried to kill myself. I didn’t really want to die. As most of us would say, I just wanted the damn pain to go away. I had tried everything. Booze, weed, cutting. Nothing worked. Nothing helped. So, I guess I gave up. After I got let go from the hospital, I had to go see a psychiatrist. But, he wasn’t much help either. He wanted me to just sit there and talk about my childhood, what it was like growing up. The thing is, I never blamed my parents for my problems. Like I said, they never understood me so I had pretty much just stopped talking to them about stuff. Did my friends understand me? Well, I never really had any friends.So now here I am. I’m 42 and I’m still in therapy. I guess you can call it that. My doctor is pretty quiet most of the time. He never really talks but I sure do. I found Dee Chan about six months ago and we’ve been working together. She’s been teaching me DBT. This has really saved my life, I think. I don’t feel so desperate all the time. Like I’m going to just explode into the stratosphere. I feel like I have some control over things.
DBT has helped me turn my life around
I have learned how to soothe myself and best of all, I know that just because I get angry (even if I lose it entirely) the world isn’t going to end. I’m not a bad person.