It happened so suddenly and I honestly didn’t expect it. I should have, though, because it was the second time he did it. The first time he did it to me I attributed it to a different way of managing conflict — he is an avoider whereas I am tend to be more confrontational. The first time, it was because of a serious disagreement I had with his daughter on Facebook. She was very rude to me and I called her out on it. He took her side, and I guess I should have expected that. And even though I know you can’t resolve conflict over email, I tried to do just that anyway. He stopped responding to my messages. Threw me right over the edge.
This time it was because we have not had sex since October and last Saturday night I asked him if he still found me attractive. He got quiet and then he told me that, yes, he did but he was wrestling with a lot of his own issues mostly related to what had happened between me and his daughter but also related to his divorce. So, the backstory to that is that we had been dating for over three years. When we first started dating I knew that he was only separated, not divorced. Back in the spring I told him that it was no longer cool with me for him to still be married and essentially gave him a deadline. That got him in gear. The divorce was finalized in October. Then a few weeks later, the daughter and I had this big misunderstanding.
So, he basically withdrew and I kept at him but only up to a point. In the latest incident, I said that I felt like I have been extremely patient with him and all his “stuff” and that I would give him two weeks to figure out where he is going, what he wants for his life and what role he wants me to play in it. Bingo. Wrong words. He ghosted me and cut off all communication.
So, my pitch is that I claim to have put my BPD into complete remission but this behavior, or lack thereof on his part, totally unhinged me. Totally twigged into all my fear of abandonment issues. I have been vacillating between absolute rage and despair since last Sunday. Angry and rageful. I know that I have to find a way to get past the rage because this is the trigger for me that leads me down the rabbit hole of self-harming behavior. But I have never been a “cutter” — my self-harm behavior of choice has always been to make a suicide attempt. I have been having a lot of suicidal ideation since this started. I wrote to him in an email that I was so upset and that I was all out of self-love, gratitude and affirmations — that I only wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and die. No response.
After that I started composing my angry emails and sending them to myself just to be able to have some action on it. I am so angry that he doesn’t respond. We have had a very active email correspondence over the three years of dating. I send him a message in the morning and he replies when he gets home from work so it’s been a bit of withdrawal for me.
So, here I am. I’m coping. I’m trying to figure out where to go from here. I’m wondering if there is any hope for this relationship in the future because if I ever do hear from him again, how will I ever be able to trust him again? I don’t think I would be able to. The trust has been broken. Do I still love him? Yes. I do. I have thought for a long time that he is my soul mate even though I detest that term. But we laugh a lot together, we are able to be silly with one another something I never had in my marriage. We talk a lot. Except we never talk about the hard stuff. I have always felt like I was the one who had to carry the emotion ball for both of us and I started to really resent that.
My son asked me why I was mourning a relationship that I had thought about leaving many times. Good question, I said. I think it’s because I feel so disappointed. I had invested so much time envisioning a future with this man and wanting to create just that with him. But the red flags were there all along. I just chose to ignore them.
I am trying my best to get past this. I know I will but in the meantime I am allowing myself to feel the sadness even though I have not cried about it yet. I don’t know if I will. Can I forgive him?Yes. I suppose I can. Will I still love him? Yes, I suppose I will for quite a long time. Poor me.