Posts in Borderline Personality
What standing in a torrential downpour taught me about radical acceptance

am going to a big, fancy wedding in mid-July and so had to buy a big, fancy gown to wear. This also necessitated a new pair of shoes, what I call “girl shoes.” I don’t wear girl shoes very often any more. Since I broke my ankle and I am quite unsteady on my feet because of my brain injury, the idea of me wearing heels at all fills me with great trepidation. But, I care about this person who is getting married and I don’t want to disappoint or embarrass him.

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Using DBT Distress Tolerance Skills Helped Me Cope With My Big Emotions

For me, my emotional life was always chaotic and out of control.Something would happen to me or someone would simply say the wrong thing and I was off to the races. My husband used to say that my anger was like a nuclear weapon that could go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. I felt that no matter what I did, I could not control it. I would explode and lash out and God help anyone who was in my way because I would simply steamroll over the top of them.

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How to transform hurt from anger into resilience

One of the most profound discussions I ever had with my DBT therapist had to do with my intense anger. My anger was always an almost knee-jerk response to any kind of slight, however small or insignificant. She asked me, “Do you think you might be reacting to feeling hurt instead and that you turn it into anger because that is an emotion you learned how to express from your father?” I did not really know what to say.

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What if someone could give you the keys to an emotional regulation toolbox?

What if you could be handed the keys to an emotional regulation toolbox? How valuable would that tbe to you? If you struggle with emotional dysregulation because you have BPD then DBT might be just what you need. But how do you access it? Where I live, in Canada, it is very difficult to access DBT. Unless you can pay a DBT therapist or someone trained as a DBT facilitator, it can be almost impossible to get into a class. Here, there is usually an 18 month waiting list.And, when you DO finally get into the class, it is usually a 24 week time commitment. So, what options are there?

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From Chaos to Champion Through DBT

The biggest lesson I learned was Be Careful What You Wish For. I learned this in September 2005 after I took a near-fatal overdose. You see my husband had been dying very slowly of lung cancer. My world was coming unglued completely and my BPD was triggered massively because of the impending death. I was finally being abandoned in the worst way but in point of fact it was not because he was leaving ME but because he had no choice. Still, I couldn’t handle it at all. I became very depressed and just dissociated completely. I wanted to die first so I wouldn’t be left behind to pick up the pieces of my life.

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Do you really want to run away?

I see the sentiment “I just want to run away” in the various BPD groups to which I belong. Oh,yeah, I totally get it. I spent years trying to “run away” from my life and myself, my fears and anxieties. When I couldn’t run away physically, I would do it emotionally through distance, dissociation and suicide attempts. I would feel frantic by my situation, trapped, hopeless and helpless and wanted nothing

more than to get away from it -- all the pain and anguish and just down-right suffering.

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